Poor Malfoy
by Spider-Bat
Summary: While trying to stop Hermione from wedding Krum, Malfoy descovers true friendship from Crabbe and Goyle.
1. Before the Hassle

****

Poor Draco

One fine morning, Draco Malfoy was popping some Tylenol because Crabbe and Goyle were trying to sing. He couldn't handle it anymore. The idiots had already had a burping contest, an eating contest, a farting contest, a 'hold your poop' contest, and now a singing contest.

You see, seventh year Malfoy was much too old for these idiots. He only wished he hadn't been made Slytherin, because Gryffindor would've suited him much better. He had a relationship with Hermione and become best friends with Harry and Ron.

It all started a year ago, when Crabbe and Goyle had almost killed Malfoy while playing Pokemon, but Ron had tackled him just in time. Malfoy realized that Slytherin was full of idiots.

So he headed over to the Gryffindor and gave Hermione a good morning kiss.

"What are they doing over there?" asked Harry.

"Singing," said Malfoy. "some American song."

"The explains everything," said Ron, getting glares from Americans across the table.

"So are we going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" asked Hermione.

"You betcha!" said Malfoy. "I know a guy who can get us some Firewhisky!"

"Fun, fun," said Hermione, who was not expecting that as an answer.

You see, Hermione had fallen in love with Draco for one main reason: he had changed. he had made himself into a… man. Not a boy, a man. He grew up.

But lately, Malfoy had become his old self, only with Harry and Ron as his Crabbe and Goyle.

"Malfoy!" called Snape from the staff table. "Get to the Slytherin table before I curse you!"

Draco walked back without a word to Hermione and rubbed his temples very deeply.

Several owls flew through the window and the mail arrived. Harry got a letter from Hagrid, saying that the whole 'kneasle bit you nose off' incident was an accident.

Hermione got something much more important, though. There, in very odd writing, was a letter from Viktor Krum. She quickly opened it.

Dear Hermione,

I have come to the age where my people are usually wed. With the permission of your parents, I request your hand in marriage.

I realized you were my only choice as soon as I saw you. We shall be married in Bulgaria April 15th at 4:00.

I love you dearly, Hermione, and I hope you feel the same for me.

Viktor

Hermione could not believe the writing on the paper. _Viktor Krum _wanted to marry _her._

Oh course, Hermione had feelings for Krum, but how could she leave Draco so abruptly?

Well, it wouldn't be easy, that was for sure.

"WHAT?"

"I said I'm going to get married," said Hermione. "to Viktor Krum!"

"I… I… _Krum?"_ Malfoy stuttered. "Do you realize you're with a _Malfoy?"_

Hermione slammed her hands on the table. "I _knew _you would act like this! You haven't changed since the first year!"

"Her--"

"You act is if you're 11 again!"

"I love you!"

"If you really love me," said Hermione. "You would come to Bulgaria and stop the wedding. That would prove it to me."

Hermione walked to the door, but turned back.

"Malfoy?" she said in a more caring tune.

"Yes?"

"Grow up!"

With that, Hermione slammed the door and left Malfoy with one plan.

Stop the wedding.

4/8/05


	2. 6 Days

****

Poor Malfoy

6 Days Until the Wedding

"Where do you think you're going, Malfoy?" asked Snape the next day.

Malfoy was packing a suitcase to the max, just now stuffing his boxers in.

"Bulgaria…" Malfoy said vaguely.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm going to Bulgaria to stop the woman I love from getting married!" Malfoy yelled. It came out as if he was preparing it, just ready to shout it at someone.

"Who's this, now?" asked Snape, unnerved from Malfoy's shout.

"What do you care?" spat Draco.

"I care for the wellbeing of my students," Snape said. "And you are one.

"Now, the school rules say that 'One student shall not leave school grounds unless accompanied by someone the Head of House approves of.'"

Malfoy stared into the pattern on his fly hole.

"Mr. Malfoy, I understand that you love this girl, so I shall assign you with… Crabbe and Goyle."

"_WHAT?"_

"They might be the only ones who'll go willingly," said Snape. "Besides, they can't be that bad."

"_Right…" _said Malfoy in a smart-mouth tone.

****

5 Days Until the Wedding

Malfoy stared at his shoes as the train rattled on. This was the worst three days _ever._

"What wrong, Pointy?" asked Crabbe.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Malfoy.

"Me think you angry," said Goyle. "You wants a cupcake?"

Goyle stuck a cake in front of Malfoy's face, only to have it knocked to the floor.

"I'm only going on this damn trip with you two because Snape told me to," Draco snapped. "It's not like we're friends!"

The idiots looked down and Malfoy could've sworn they were about to cry. He felt… _pitiful._

Malfoy picked the cupcake off the floor and reluctantly ate it, making Crabbe and Goyle grin with glee.

The trio disembarked from the train and began looking for the car that would pick them up.

"There a sign, Pointy!" said Crabbe, pointing at a rather pointy sign that read _Mr. Pointy _on it.

"No, my name is Malf--"

"C'mon, Mr. Pointy!" yelled Crabbe, pulling Malfoy by the robes to the man with the sign.

"Mr. Malfoy?" asked the man with a somewhat stifled voice. He was tall and muscular. The 11" by 12" sign was tiny compared to his large hands.

"Yes, that's me…" said Malfoy, not sure why the sign read what it did.

All of a sudden, the man covered the guys up with a blanket and tied the ends. He began dragging them off.

"Watch the hair, you idiot!" Malfoy yelled to Goyle inside the blanket.

"Pointy, we've been napped!" said Goyle.

"You mean _kid_napped? Well, yes we have. I guess they couldn't resist my sexy body."

"Yeah, really sexy," said the man, whose stifled voice had become more Russian. "Let me introduce myself…"

He dumped the guys out of the bag onto a table in a dark room.

"I'm Vladimir Geldoff," he said. "I'm a friend of Viktor Krum, and I'm here to stop you from stopping the wedding-- wait…. yeah… I said it right! WEE!"

Malfoy knew he was surrounded by idiots.

4/12/05


	3. 5 Days

****

Poor Malfoy

5 Days Until the Wedding

So I found an awkward position for the beginning of this chapter: Vladimir was shoving Malfoy into a big, plastic bubble with rubber arms while Crabbe and Goyle were having a "biggest booger" contest. Yeah.

Vladimir claimed that the bubble was to keep Malfoy healthy, but Malfoy wasn't sure why he locked it.

"Hey, Vladimir?" called Malfoy from the bubble.

"Yes?"

"Could you get me a glass of water?"  
"Sure-- wait a second… You can't drink w--"

"NOW!"

Crabbe and Goyle acted out the plan that they had come up with while Vladimir had to go tinkle. They dumped the bucket of boogers they were using earlier on Vladimir's head. He stumbled all over the room, blinded by the snot.

The trio were able to get out the unlocked door and into somewhere they thought they'd never be.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

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Do you need it fast, because your wedding is sometime this week?

Do you want it to be somewhat _sexy_?

Then come to **Big Ronda's House of Spandex Dresses. **Your groom is gonna like the way you look. We guarantee it.

Hermione watched the add and was not surprised at the costs, because she already had one, and it was pretty crappy.

So as she tried on her tight, spandex dress, she wondered if Malfoy would make her wear something like this if she married _him._

Why was she thinking of him again. She was getting married in less than a week, and she wasn't dreaming of her husband.

She wondered if she'd ever get over him.

As Malfoy looked at the ground from the top of Mt. Blanc, he wondered if Hermione had gotten over him an he could just give up.

"How did V… Vl… Weird-talking-guy get we up here?" asked Crabbe.

"He must've Apparated us without our knowing," Malfoy replied. "Though it doesn't matter now. We'll be stuck here forever."

"NUH-UH!" said Goyle. "All we has to do is believe!"

"_What?"_

"It says so in a whole bunch of movies," Goyle replied. "'You have to _believe!'"_

"Do you even know what it means?" asked Malfoy.

"_Yes!" _said Goyle, pulling out _the Dictionary for Dummies. "to move away quickly after hitting a surface."_

"I think that's _bounce--"_

"Same thing!" said Goyle, taking Malfoy's rubber arm and Crabbe's real one while jumping off the mountain.

They fell to the bottom of the Alps and into a grocery store.

There, behind the counter, was Dr. Phil.

"Hiya, Baldy!" said Crabbe. "Can I have a Sierra Mist?"

"If you can dance for it!" said Phil in his Texan accent.

While Crabbe and Goyle were dancing with Fred Willard, Malfoy was telling his problems to Dr. Phil.

"The woman I love is getting married in 5 days… no, wait, four days--"

****

Four Days Until the Wedding

"What should I do, Dr.?"

"Um… gee… I think you should… get… a puppy?" Dr. Phil suggested confusingly. "Hey, what are you doin'?"

Fred Willard was walking out the door with a crate if Sierra Mist. "It says 'free' on the bottle!"

Malfoy led the Dancing Dumb Duo out the door while Fred and Phil argued about the citrus soda.

2 miles and 8 hours later, the gang was in Germany, a place full of beer and immigrants.

"We need a car!" exclaimed Crabbe.

"There's one!" said Goyle.

A car sat down the road with a small, old man in the driver's seat. The guys walked over to him.

"Hi!" said Malfoy. "We need a ride to Bulgaria in less than four days! How much will it cost?"

"Five-hundred smackers!" said the man.

"Five-hundred bucks?" asked Malfoy. "Where am I going to get that much money?"

"There's one!" said Goyle, which is pretty much all he's good for after the last three star thingies.

A neon sign flashed the words _$500 Awarded to Anyone Who Cares _across the street at the local Burger King. They walked in.

As you might've known, the Burge King had a few dead people and cats on the floor, roaches on the burgers, and a scary dude in that king mask that you see on the commercial.

"We're here for the $500!" said Malfoy.

"You must pass a challenge first!" said the man in the costume.

"What's that?"

"You must eat… a Whopper!"

Malfoy barfed onto one of the dead bodies. Reluctantly, he took a Whopper from one of the dead employees and thanked her for her excellent service.

The Whopper was okay, excepting the fact that 82½ worms were crawling in it, and that the bun was from the first Burger King ever. Yum, yum.

Malfoy was later awarded his $500 after his third time passing out. He handed it to the old man, who was named Pappy, and they took off.

4/13/05


	4. 4 Days

****

Poor Malfoy

4 Days Until the Wedding

Draco woke the next morning to the voices of Crabbe, Goyle, and Pappy talking about women, which was just the opposite of what he wanted to hear of. He tried to go back to sleep, but Pappy's car kept making these **BANG **noises, and his bubble wasn't a good pillow. He decided to listen in.

"Don't you ever get lonely?" asked Crabbe.

"Nope," said Pappy. "Never since that son-itch brother of mine stole the only woman I loved: Pin--" **BANG.**

"Pin--" **BANG. **"?" asked Goyle.

"Yep. Pin--" **BANG. **". She was a nice, little, Asian girl. He done gone stole from under me."

"What kind of name is Pin--" **BANG. **"?" asked Draco.

Pappy was silent.

"Pappy?" called Crabbe.

Ever silent.

Goyle punched him in the gut, but yet Pappy did not move. He was dead.

"HE'S DEAD!" yelled Goyle.

The car started to swerve around the road, and then it flew the opposite direction of Bulgaria. Malfoy started to cry.

Suddenly, they found themselves in a baseball park.

"Where have we suddenly found ourselves?" asked Draco.

"You're in Comerica Park!" said a Puerto Rican man with a jersey labeled _7: Rodriguez._

"OH, GOD!" Draco yelled. "NOT COMERICA PARK! ANYWHERE BUT COMERICA PARK! WHY COMERICA P-- Wait… What's Comerica Park?"

"It's where we play," said Rodriguez. "The Detroit Tigers. My name's Ivan, but you can call me Pudge."

"And Detroit is… where?" asked Malfoy.

"Michigan, of course!" said Pudge. "Now, could you get your car off the field? We're trying to beat the Yankees."

Malfoy led Crabbe and Goyle out of the stadium and into the streets of Detroit. The crossed the road to the Hockey Town bar.

"What can I get for you?" asked the Asian bartender.

"Something very heavy," said Malfoy. "Vodka on the rocks. NOW!"

The bartender looked at Malfoy in amazement in his drink choice, and then got all the stuff.

"We can save her, Malfoy," said Goyle. "We've still got four days!"

"No, just three," said Malfoy. "The stupid author forgot the bold letters."

****

3 Days Until the Wedding

"We can do it!" said Crabbe. "All we need is an airplane!"

"Those cost a thousand dollars!" said Malfoy.

Crabbe suddenly wanted to rob the place of $1,000 for some unknown reason. He went up to the bartender and put his wand on his temple.

"I want $1,000!" Crabbe said fiercely.

"You want 1,000 dolla'?" asked the Asian barkeep.

"I want $1,000!"

"1,000 dolla'?"

Crabbe hesitated. "I want… 1,000 dolla'!"

"1,000 dolla'?"

"1,000 dolla'!"

"1,000 dolla'?"

"1,000 dolla'!"

"Okay, here you go," said the barkeep, handing over the money.

"You do know," said Draco. "That I am a multimillionaire?"

Crabbe and Goyle led the drunken Malfoy out of the bar by his rubber bubble arms. They were stopped by Draco's parents.

"Dear, lord!" cried Lucius. "What is my son doing? _Drunk _in a poor man's town like this? Wrapped in a plastic bubble?"

"We're sorry, Ms. Malfoy!" said Goyle, looking strait at Lucius.

"You better be, idiots!" said Lucius, unnerved by being called "Ms. Malfoy". "Now, I have to pee. I'll be right back."

While Lucius went into the bar to pee, Narcissa looked at the boys oddly.

"What's wrong, Mr. Malfoy?" asked Goyle.

"I know about Hermione," she said to Draco. "If you want, I can set you free."

"You would do that for me, Mom?" asked Draco.

"Of course," she said. "I only ask for one thing in return."

"What's that, Mom?"

Narcissa whispered into Draco's ear: "A nose job." She called someone on her cell phone.

An airplane zoomed over their heads and then circled over them. Lucius ran out of the lavatory as Draco and crew climbed into the plane, trying to stop them.

The plane took off toward Bulgaria.

4/14/05


	5. 3 and 2 Days

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Poor Malfoy

3 Days Until the Wedding

Malfoy climbed over the wing and screamed. There, in the pilot's seat, was Pappy.

"Pappy?"

"Pappy?" asked the old man. "That son-itch brother of mine? I haven't talked to him in years. I'm Pippy."

"But he's dead!"

"Serves him right," said Pippy. "Ever since he stole my only love."

"Pin--" **BANG.** "?" asked Malfoy.

"Who?" asked Pippy. "I'm talking about Pinnoui. He done gone stole her from under me."

Malfoy was dead confused.

Hermione decided to get over Malfoy by watching Comedy Central. The stupid thing was, MAD TV was on commercial.

Do you need a tan?

Are you so pale, people constantly ask if you're sick?

Are you single because your girlfriend decided to get married?

She changed the channel to Discovery.

As you can see, the male naked mole rat is so pale, even the slightest bit of sun can kill it. That is why the female only comes along to mate.

Hermione decided MAD TV might be back on.

"Stuart, what did Momma say about smacking your butt in public?"

"I don't wanna say!"

"What did Momma say?"

"I don't wanna say!"

"What did Momma say about smacking your butt?"

"Little boys who smack their butt in public will make them have small, little, pale, butts that women aren't interested in."

"What else did Momma say?"

"Your goo-goo will fall off!"

Hermione decided TV wasn't the best healer.

****

2 Days Until the Wedding

As the plane started going over the Atlantic Ocean, Malfoy wondered who the older brother was: Pappy or Pippy, and if Pippy would die in the next second.

But other than that, Malfoy was very relaxed: They were almost to Bulgaria.

Then Malfoy thought of something-- how could he have gotten to this point without Crabbe and Goyle? They were he ones who made this trip worthwhile, and Malfoy had to thank them.

But all of a sudden, the Bulgarian Quidditch Team came flying out of the clouds. They began shooting the plane with guns and throwing grenades. Pippy's wing exploded and Pippy was shot in the chest.

"We can save him!" yelled Goyle over the noise of the explosions. "You just have to believe, Pointy!"

"I'm not jumping off this thing!" yelled Malfoy.

"We need less weight to carry the plane down!" yelled Crabbe.

"But--"

"JUST DO IT!" they yelled, and Malfoy "believed" off the plane.

The Quidditch team did not notice Malfoy's decent and continued bombarding the plane.

Malfoy splashed into the water, luckily saved by his bubble. Using the rubber arms, he swam to shore.

Hermione lay in bed that night, kept awake for three reasons:

Viktor Krum's annoying snoring.

She was completely nude, it was very cold, and Krum was hogging the blankets.

She missed Draco.

Well, she did. She could think of nobody else.

Hermione got out of bed and left the house for a walk, getting catcalls because she had forgotten to put her clothes on.

She thought she should go to the airport and fly back to England, but that would be stupid. She could look in the _International Prophet _tomorrow and see that Draco had been killed while trying to get to her.

Hermione did not sleep well that night.

****

18 Hours Until the Wedding

Malfoy swam his way onto the shore of Portugal and got a pay phone. He called Hermione's cell.

"Hello?" said a man's voice. It was Krum.

"Hi, I need to talk to Hermione!"

"Oh, it's _you," _Krum said. "Listen, Malfoy, Hermonee doesn't like you. She's marrying _me. _She just went out with you because _I _wasn't around. So why don't you just--" **BANG. **"yourself?"

Malfoy couldn't believe it. It was either Pippy's plane or Pappy's car or vice-versa. He threw the phone to the ground.

There sat Pappy's car with Pappy, Pippy, Crabbe, Goyle, and an Asian woman.

"Pippy!" yelled Malfoy.

"Pappy!" yelled Pippy.

"Pappy?"

"No, Pippy!"

Malfoy looked at the woman. "Pin--" **BANG. **"?"

"Pinnoui!" said the woman.

"Crabbe!"

"Goyle!" said Crabbe.

"Goyle?"

"No, Crabbe!"

Malfoy was dead confused again. Nevertheless, he climbed into the car and Pappy sent it going 236½ miles an hour.

4/14/05


	6. The Wedding

Spider-Bat Presents

****

Poor Malfoy

4 Hours Until the Wedding

The car sped past the dock they just departed from after leaving Italy, and they were just going through Greece.

"I can't believe it!" Malfoy yelled. "We're almost there!"

With some confused looks from Crabbe and Goyle, Malfoy grinned. There was only the matter of crashing the wedding now.

But then, something really, really, _really, _really**, really**, **_really _**bad happened. The gang from Queer Eye came to the car.

"Hey, hey, girls!" said the main one with the big nose, a.k.a. Carson. "Your car is, like, _so _1999!"

"But it's a 1953 Corvette!" said Pinnoui.

"Ooh, worse than I thought!" Carson pulled two buckets of hot pink paint from his pockets. "Let's get 'em, boys!"

The crew started to paint and redo the car so it looked… gay. Our heroes jumped out and began running.

"My god!" yelled Malfoy. "It's like Pimp My Ride, only they replaced Xibit with Carson! EEK!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" yelled Carson. "Come, like, back here!"

Carson led his gang to catch up with 'Foy, and Pappy pulled out his cell phone, pushing a button.

"Hey, Malfie!" said Pappy. "My brother, Poppy, has a helicopter! He can help you get to Bulgaria!"

"What about you guys?"

"We'll…" Pippy hesitated. "We'll fall victim to gays!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Malfoy.

"Just do it!" said Pappy. "Coyle and Grabbe might get smarter!"

"Their names are Crabbe and Goyle!"

"That's not what they told me," said Pappy, looking back at the Brainless Bunch. "Look, there's the copter!"

Poppy's helicopter flew over them and Malfoy jumped onto the rail.

"I'll miss you!"

"Good luck, Pointy!" Goyle and Crabbe yelled as they were forced into some makeup.

Malfoy used the helicopters blades to pop his bubble and he climbed into it.

"Welcome to the Spiral Chicken, son," said the pilot.

"Hi, Poppy," said Malfoy. "How're you?"

"Poppy?" said the pilot. "That son-itch brother of mine? I haven't talked to that gay bastard in years- ever since he stole the only man I ever loved: Pa--" **BANG.**

The pilot spun her chair around. "I'm Peepee, Pappy's, Pippy's, Poopy's, Poppy's, Pinky's, Pilky's, Plinko's, Plasty's, and George's sister."

Malfoy was about to die on confusion.

****

57 ½ Minutes Until the Wedding

"It's okay, Hermione, calm down!" Ginny yelled as Hermione grabbed her inhaler for the fifth time. "It's just pre-wedding jitters!"

"It's not… that… dammit!" Hermione yelled. "I… don't… think… I'm… marrying… the right…man!"

"What?" asked Ginny. "Of course you are!"

"I… want to marry… Malfoy!#!$#$#!#!#!$!#!#!$$#$$$WE#&UWRBIBHGFBADFHDF"

"What?" asked Ginny.

"Sorry," said Hermione. "The author got bored and started playing with the keyboard."

"Why didn't he delete it?"

"Too lazy, I guess…"

****

24 ¾ Minutes Until the Wedding

**BOOM! BANG! CRASH! SPLAT!**

Malfoy ran from the debris of the inferno that used to be the helicopter, not worrying about Peepee, for she was bound to return from the dead sometime today.

He had twenty minutes until the wedding and 48 ½ miles to go. He was never going to make it. He decided to sit down and cry.

All of a sudden, the Batmobile pulled up to him, and Batman jumped out.

"I hear you need to get to a church in Bulgaria in less than 20 minutes," he said. "I can help you get there. Get in."

Draco got in the car and was surprised to see Harry, Ron, Crabbe, Goyle, Pippy, Pappy, Poppy, Peepee, Fara Fawcett, Pinnoui, Robin, and Pin--**BANG.**

"We tried to contact you," said Harry. "but the Cingular computer said you had turned your cell phone off."

"Why didn't you tell us you were chasing after Hermione?" asked ex-Charlie's Angel Fara Fawcett.

Malfoy was more confused than all the times in this story combined.

****

12 ½ Minutes Into the Wedding

"Do you, Viktor Vigor Krum, take Hermione Dolores Granger as your lawfully wedded wife? To love and cherish until the day one of you dies?"

"I do."

"And do you, Hermione Dolores Granger, take Viktor Vigor Krum as your lawfully wedded wife-- I mean, husband? To love and cherish until the day one of you dies?"

Hermione was silent.

_"Hermony!"_ whispered Krum.

"I can't do it!" she suddenly yelled. "I can't marry you, Viktor!"

Krum looked amazed.

"You're a fine man, no doubt about that, but I love Draco Malfoy!"

One of Vik's family members spoke up. "Isn't he a filthy rich snob?"

"Well--"

"I thought he was a Death Eater!" said another.

"That runs in the family--"

"It said in _Weekly World_ that he was a hobo and snogs Elephant butts all day long!" said the minister. Everyone thought he was a little off his rocker.

"Do you love Draco Malfoy?" asked Krum.

"Yes, I do!"

"AHA! SHE SAID 'I DO!'"

"Well, then, if there is anyone who does not wish for this couple to be joined… anyone? Going once! Going twice! S--"

The Batmobile crashed through the side of the church, killing half of the Krum family.

"What an entrance!" yelled the minister.

"I don't want them to be married!" yelled Malfoy as he stepped out of the car.

"Thank god!" yelled Hermione.

"Well, then it's settled," said the minister. "Viktor Krum shall not wed Hermione Granger! Does anyone else want to be married?"

"Hermione," said Malfoy. "Will you marry me?"

"Of course!"

Batman supplied the couple with two Bat-rings and the minister was ready to start the ceremony, except for one thing.

"You need a best man, Malfoy!"

Malfoy thought for a moment, and then made this whole stupid story a little cute.

"Can I have two?"

**__**

4/14/05


End file.
